I don't know where to start. I usually say I'm 17 years old, but for the purpose of honestly ranting a bit, I'm 16. I'm also female. I don't know what constitutes as 'personal information', but I live in the North-Eastern United States, and I've been terribly depressed for quite a bit. I guess I'll start with my story, but don't expect it to be optimistic in the least.
I'm not attractive at all. I'm a white and black mix for the most part, tan skin, and I've got an upper lip shadow I can't seem to get rid of to save my life. Shaving doesn't help, and I'm pretty sure I don't constitute as relatively pretty in the least. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, and while I'm only a few lbs overweight, I'm almost always driven to the point of wanting to starve myself just to be more comfortable. Of course, I know this isn't going to stop making people ostracize me, but hell, at the very least, I'd be more comfortable.
I'm constantly ostracized by people. I live in a primarily Christian city, and fuck if people don't scream about me 'going to hell' every time I state my religion (which is by the way, Athiest.). My brother is a priest and my sister is a diehard Christian. Which, I have no problem with, really. They're happy people and hell if I don't appreciate that, but 'coming out' to them would be like how I 'came out' to my classmates today, and got ostracized to oblivion and told that I'm going to hell, probably 5 times or so. My sister is the worst; she'll point to a homosexual on television and tell me that they can die for all she cares. Obviously, this leads me to feel isolated in my own family. Which, by the way, I haven't come out to them yet, if I hadn't been clear.
I know I'm probably way too young to be feeling like this, but hell if I'm not misanthropic. If I were considerably less socially awkward and better at public speaking I might be a comedian. As far as I'm concerned, though, most everyone that surrounds me can go fuck themselves with an I-beam. I'd ended up going home today and nearly having a panick attack because I'd gotten in a religious argument with the folk in my 8th period class. Mind you, when it comes to social and physical confrontations, I excrete enough Epinephrine to fill a metaphorical bathtub. It makes it horribly hard and embarrassing to argue, because even if I'd be good at it, I'm stuck with blundering and wanting to haul ass out of the room.
Everytime I look at the future, it looks horribly bleak. I want to pursue Psychology, but that's only because it's the god-honest only thing that interests me other than fine arts, and pursuing fine art as a career, I believe, would be something of a hellhole for me. I want to become a Clinical Psychologist, maybe, but school is already throttling me and I don't know if I can take another 10 years of it and write a novel without wanting to step in front of a vehicle. And I'm only in high school. I feel like I'm rattling off a bunch of first world problems, too, and I feel horribly selfish for doing so. I've got everything provided for me and I've got a free 2 years of college in replacement of my last two years of high school. Btu jesus christ it's stressing and depressing and I don't know if I can take it anymore.
honestly, a few times ive contemplated vehicular suicide. if it doesn't work, i have a chance of getting laid up in the hospital for a few days and that'll give me a little time to get the fuck away from all this hectic shit and dealing with people and constantly having to maintain good grades in school. sometimes a dreary conserved suburban lifestyle is the most depressing of all, i guess? shit, i dunno. i'm kind of having a mental break down by the end of this.
i know i ahve a lot of shit to do and learn about and yes, that excites me, but the cons are so outweighing at the moment that it's getting practically unbearable. i shouldn't feel like this, i know, and i'm probably just some dumb teenager whacked up on hormonal imbalances and i've got an easier ride than the 99% of the population, but i can't really help it. i'm on the brink.
of course, i don'tknow if i'll do it. they say that hesitation means you won't, but fuck if i'm not getting terribly close.
tl;dr, privileged misanthropic douchey teenager rattles on about stupid shit, feeling suicidal, worst day in a long time.
also if i fucked up it's because this is the first time i've non-lurked on reddit. i've gotten to the point where i've had no one to talk to so much that i'm degrading to ranting to folks on the internet. therapeutic, i guess. jesus christ my eyes hurt.
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