2/1/2018

I feel like a lonely robot. I’m all alone in the end. I know it’s the truth. But I like to live in the illusion that I’m not alone. But If eel so alone. I saw throught the illusion last night and was faced again with just me… in the middle of blackness. I can’t be human. But I love one. I feel so lost and scared. Like there are things that make you feel alive but I feel wrong taking away from you. But they’re killing you, you’re just a human. It sucks. It can’t be compared to music for music isn’t killing you. I don’t wanna argue. I don’t wanna even hear myself. I feel encroaching and controlling and like I’m expecting too much. I let me get ahead of myself. I was fine before I decided maybe I wanted to be in it for the long haul. I still don’t know how to face death. I don’t know. I don’t know what it is that I want. I wanted to observe a beautiful flower. Until it gets snatched away from me. I’ll observe another one. And rinse, repeat. But now I don’t want any other flower. This sucks. It’s like 20 years. It’s almost like I’d rather know you will not even try and will reject my attempts at keeping you well, so my soul can rest and I can accept that you are a transitory thing, and I could accept that well in advance, and I guess, put less emotional investment in. Naturally. I dunno. Not knowing for sure what will work or not work is the worst. Because I want to invest and I want to give you my all and I want all that. I’m just sad. Not disappointed in you. Just, at the invisible thing that I’ve always been disappointed in. Just life. And the way it has to be. Why I have to be so different from everyone. I don’t wanna even know how I would be otherwise. I can’t tell what is better or worse, only that I love you and this uncertainty hurts. I don’t wanna hold you if you might disappear tomorrow in a way that I know I could have prevented but if it makes your today hell then what’s the point. What’s the whole damn point. I can love things and I can lose things, but you specifically I don’t want to lose. God. And I feel disgusting because I know how ugh you are about my dad and stuff. Ugh. I’m afraid of being more attached to you. I didn’t know this was possible. But like, it isn’t stopping unless I stop it. But I don‘t wanna stop it. But if I don’t then it hurts so much I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing for me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have different needs. Again it’s not about whether you’ll die or not for sure. It’s your intention that matters. It’s like September all over again but way worse because that one conversation I had with you in September, that was me trying to prevent all of this. And here it is. Will I always be this lonely? Will everyone that I love leave me unnecessarily? Recall, you getting sick is way worse than you breaking up with me. Because either way I still love you. Ugh. I feel like I’m not allowed to have anyone. You’re mine. But are you really? What’s the point. Ugh. Ugh.. I’m scared because I don’t want to give you 50%. I want to give you 100% and that kills me. I’m glad you said you’d try though. But I can’t help but feel like it might get tiring, you might get sick of this. After all, you think I’m being irrational. I don’t allow myself to depend on things for enjoyment if those things may kill me. Only in moderation, never to the point of dependence. Just like people. I can’t depend on people. They will only hurt me. Agh. I just feel like I’m in a different world right now. And now I just had a thought. Maybe I don’t wanna see you. Not until this is figured out. UGHHHHH WHY ARE YOU SO ADORABLE i hate you, you’re beautiful but like a flower… aguhagahg please don’t fade away please don’t fade away dont’ fade away i don’t know ambiguity ughughugh it’s one of those things you can’t really know or find out till you find out but i feel bad, just bad. I don’t regret loving you ever for the record it’s not that. And I don’t wanna leave, that’s why it hurts. 20 years. Worse t han 20 years because at least 20 years has a definite date. Like I know for sure you’ll die in 20 years. So I can maximize the time with you. Or life in prison - bam you’re dead. No more you. That’s it. This is like an UNCERTAIN LONG SENTENCE. Again you could die anyday from a car crash or something dumb, but we’re talking about increasing statistical odds. The fact that you need to do so makes me so so sad. I don’t think it’s “wrong” of you either though, how you choose to live your life, because it’s your life, and quality > quantity, all that. But it just isn’t. How. I want it to be. God whyyyy. Everything is almost perfect. And out of reach. I don’t wanna miss your touch. I’m scared. This isn’t a healthy place to be in. This really isn’t good for anyone. I’m sorry. If you die randomly it’s out of our control. But this IS in our control, this makes me so uhg. But yet it isn’t really in my control, only yours. Living everyday, knowing that, kills me. Sends me straight to space where I don’t wanna talk and i don’t wanna progress and I don’t wanna get further entwined. Yet I logically want to because I want to know you and I love you but stuff like this makes me emotionally not want anything all of the sudden and I’m super confused. I don’t liek feelig this way, it isn’t right. And I know it scares you a shit ton too. Fuck. I can’t even take care of you. Ultimately i just want you to be the happiest but if I can’t do even that. What’s the point. I know you reassured me and everything but there’s still so much i need to get out. I know the rational thing to do is to keep at it, to not break up. But my lizard brain is like “gtfo”. Esp with things moving so fast. It’s all a blur and i don’t know. I don’t know how attachment works, in full. If it just gets more intense. It’s like. I love.5 you. 2.5. Approaching 3. I’m not sure what that entails. I just have a feeling. I hope you don’t think I just have issues and that it’ll all go away with help. We’ve been doing so well and I sense a storm ahead ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ughu ghghgugu. Everything about you makes me feel so safe. Golden. Warm. like an almost perfect sphere of light. Then there’s a suddenly black spot. Like a blackhole sucking me in, killing my emotion. I don’t want it to die i can’t let it die. I try not to hover near it but i can’t help it. I revolve around you and eventually i face that. I can’t tell what is in that black spot. Ambiguity. Again for the 100th time, it’s not about you dying randomly from working and touring in cities. It just sucks i’m sorry.

The contrast between those two drives me crazy. How can something so warm and soft and safe also scare me so much? How?? Does it feel that way about me too? How can something so warm and real be so cold? And metallic?

It’s that mattress thing. It blips in and out of existence. Is it really there? Or will it be the cold hard ground again, harder than ever before? I’m scared. Again, once you ACTUALLY die, I’ll fucking deal with it. I don’t know how, I honestly have no fucking clue but it has to get dealt with somehow and for sure I’m not gonna die along with you. It’s the uncertain wait. Just knowing that you’re different from me. In ways I can’t help. I hate that. Not you. Just @ life.

Is it too much to ask for??? I ask but also you could ask that back at me. Ugh the repelling magnets. I only want to fully love you with everything I have but that’s hard. It’s like. Auguh.
Trying to believe in the beautiful illusion that you’ll be mine forever.

This makes it hard to do everything. To work and channel energy into “us.” I love us and I would still try to rationally work with it but emotionally I feel so depleted and lost. Disassociated I guess. It just feels bad. It makes it hard to do everything. Hard to want to see you. Hard to want to touch you. Hard to want to grow closer and share more with you. NOt because I don’t WANT to. But it’s hard. I’m scared.

I have to decide. Am I in it for the long haul or not? Cuz if not, like a few months ago, this wouldn’t be an issue, I could just get over it and just accept that beautiful things come and go. Augghgh.

I think what triggered it last night was you mentioning coming to see me PLUS you getting me and PK to agree to talk to you about our past, two of which are very huge things. Juxtaposed next to a suddenly random reminder in my brain that my parents would not approve of your bad habits… which was okay until finally it hit me that there were things i had boxed up and tried not to think about and suddenly when you said “good luck trying to stop me from drinking that much of whatever everyday” it just hit me. It’s not the specific scenario but the mindset and belief that hit me. It’s like nothing has changed. In a bad way. You said you’d try to keep an open mind later, but what about that? Did you still mean that? I wasn’t too bothered before but when you said that it just took me back to September sharply. Then suddenly those huge things seemed unreasonable and painful to go through knowing where you are with everything… aghhh….

No I’m not going anywhere. It’s like what you said back in November. Not having you right now is vaguely worse. What am I even doing.

I need to stop crying and go throw away these tissues. I haven’t solved anything.

I love you so much. Goddammit.
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