I just want to start out by giving you all a background of my life. I just would like it if people understood my psyche a little better.
To begin, I never had parents. My mother was impregnated when she was 16. She had ran away from home because her stepfather was sexually abusing her, she was constantly high on drugs and got pulled into a prostitution ring. My Father was the rapist and pimp of the organization that she was involved in.
Once my mother had escaped the brothel, when I was around 8 months old. She had decided to give custody of me to my terminally ill grandmother. My grandmother decided to take me in, and my mother disappeared only to be heard of occasionally over the years. She had delve into drugs and alcohol to deal with her demons, and constantly throughout my childhood would make promises to come see me, and be apart of my life, yet never followed through.
My grandmother and I bounced house to house. She wasn't a skilled worker and had Lupus among other diseases and complications and lied on the majority of her job applications while she was still healthy enough to work. The younger years of my life, I feel that everything was alright. My grandmother I think was dating a mentally ill woman when I was pre-school, to kindergarten age. ( I actually didn't find out about my grandmother being a lesbian until later) I had pseudo-siblings within that home. Shortly though my grandmother must've had a falling out and we were forced to move again with some other strangers I didn't know. I was too young to recall what happened as to why we had to move.
My grandmother had a mental collapse when I was probably 6 years old. She was admitted to a mental institution, and I had hardly seen her after that. Thinking back I can't even recall who I stayed with at that time. I just remember spending many nights crying wishing that she was there, and that I wouldn't be so alone.
. My grandmothers health really started to plummet. She started smoking extremely heavily, she was put on oxygen treatment and even attempted to quit smoking. During the period that she quit smoking she became very hostile and verbally abusive. She would constantly yell at the top of her longs for no good reason at me. She would threaten me with physical harm, or to send me off to a foster home. She would destroy my prized possessions in her fits of rage. It got so bad at some points that the neighbors would even come by and ask if I wanted to stay at there house for the night.
On top of my grandmother's verbal abuse, I was also being sexually exploited(?) by one of the local teens that I had befriended previously. I don't know what to call it, or how to rationalize it. I don't consider myself gay, but it has constantly to this day made me question my sexuality. He and I became friends because I knew his younger brother. He recognized that I was somewhat of an outcast because I had very poor teeth and always constantly smelt of smoke due to my grandmothers smoking habits. He would always come over and ask me to go places with him, and I don't understand why I went, it didn't just happen once. It happened a few times of a course of a couple months. He would take me to the elementary school that I went to, and it would always start out with other kids that came with us and we would play "hide and go seek" and then he would tell me to come hide with him, and then he would pull down his pants and ask me to stroke his penis. He apparently did it to another boy that lived in my apartments, because that boys mother came after the teen and was very angry, though I don't think she called the police, so nothing came of it. The teen wanted me to perform oral sex on him, but I refused, he had even rubbed my penis once. I only remember a few instances of this happening. I can't say exactly how or when it began or how it ended.
I told my best friend at the time about what was happening to me, and unfortunately being in elementary school, none of us knew how to deal with such an adult concept, so I got made fun of for being gay
.The time in colorado was mainly a blur of nothingness, except for the fact that I had lost my virginity to my oldest female cousin :\
Eventually tension between my grandmother and my aunt and uncle grew too thick, and so my grandmother decided to move us to California, where we had no family, and only her family friend to assist us in settling in. We drove from Colorado to California, we arrived with no money and homeless. We slept on the floor of her friends apartments until tensions grew too much there and we had to go to the local homeless shelter, where we stayed with many mentally ill and overall sketch people. It also got out at the highschool that I was homeless and I was teased about that as well as my buckteeth and bowl cut.
The first few years of California were rough, but it eventually somewhat stabilized. Though tragedy struck once again when the apartment that my grandmother and I had moved into burned down shortly after living there for a year or two. I was forced to be homeless once again for 9 months while it was being rebuilt.
This is the darkest moment that I can recall in my life, I lost control of myself, I starting impulsively spending money that I didn't have. I stole $5000 from my step grandfather and his wife(ironically the one who molested my biological mother) not to rationlize it with that though, it was there money and I took it without permisson and pissed it away on nothing special. I hope that one day when I'm financially stable I will be able to repay that money back to them.
Now, to the biggest mistake that I have ever made. I constantly feel the deepest form of regret and guilt and hating myself for hurting someone this way. While I was staying with my friend, we had a girl that was a friend of one of the sisters of the house. She was also went to the same youthgroup as me. How I rationalized this in my head was that I was desperate after breaking up with my first real love and commited girlfriend. Me and this friend were home one night, it was just us and the little brother of the house. I don't know why but I just had a very strong attraction to her, I promise as well that I made it pretty apparent. We were sitting on the couch and I held her hand. We went up stairs and I kissed her. She held my hand back, but when I kissed her, it caught her off guard. Well.... Later that night, I had gotten it into my horny teenage mind, that I should make the first move, if I wanted to have sex with her. I thought she liked me and I even thought that we could start dating. I went downstairs after everyone was asleep. I stood on the stairs too, and some force was telling me not to go down there. But unfortunately I didn't listen, I layed down next to her, she was asleep. I knew this so I slowly started to rub her face and hair to attempt to wake her up. I shook her a few times to try and wake her. She shifted and moaned a little bit. I then started to rub her stomach, and slowly start to work my way down, I stuck my hand down her pants and started to rub her clitoris. She eventually woke up, but I think she was already awake but just too scared to tell me no or to stop, she hadn't said anything or I would've stopped immediately. Ugh, she got up and went outside and puked, and I didn't realize what was going on.. I followed her outside and asked if she was okay.... I even held her hair back.. I'm honestly a disgusting human being. I hate myself for it.. She told her friend about it the next day, and her brother asked me about it or what happened. I Just denied it for fear of legal reprocussions.. She didn't mention it beyond that, and is even still friendly to me to this day.. For god sakes bless her heart she even wishes me happy birthday... I've never apologized to her face, I'm too much of a coward to do that. I did apologize through the truth box app, very vaguely.. Shes happy now and has too kids and lives with her boyfriend and his family. I would never approach her about this to even try to mess up her life any more than I already have.. I'm just so sorry.. I read a thread earlier about people talking about the last person that they would call.. I would probably call her as I was dying just to apologize and plead for forgiveness for hurting her, I didn't want to hurt her, and as crazy as it sounds I didn't understand what exactly as I was doing until it was pointed out later what had happened. I thought it was completly different. I'm just really sorry.
A short time after that blew over, my grandmother and I moved back into our refurbished apartment things slowly started to stablize again for about a year. I finally had a girlfriend and a committed relationship, I was really in love with this girl and we ended up dating for 2 years, but after a year of me and this girl dating. My biological mother found me on myspace and asked if she could visit me and my grandmother and get to know me.. I asked my grandmother and she said that she wanted to see my bio-mom and so she came up here with my newly born little brother. When she arrived for her visit she promptly informed us of her abusive boyfriend who tried to kill her and take my brother and that she would need to live with us. I didn't care at first it would be great to help her. Well right after that my grandmother had a stroke and died.You know what the worst part is? I woke up in the middle of the night.. I walked out into the living room where she was sleeping because she had given up her room to my bio mom and my brother.I had seen her on the floor sleeping, breathing at the time.. I didn't think it was weird.. the next morning one of our family's friends came over to drive her somewhere and she was no longer breathing.. she died later that night at the hospital.. I didn't know what to do I was so shell shocked. I dove inside myself.. I pushed my girlfriend away, compeltely detached myself. My bio-mother drove her self into the ground further with pills and alcohol, and I would constantly come home to her naked on the ground passed out, and my brother roaming the house... lost..
At this time, I was the head of the household because I was 18 and my bio mom was not previously on the lease, so she talked about how my grandmother said that she wanted her to take care of me and that she wasn't going to leave me, so she had me put her on the lease.. afterwards she made my life a living hell.. she brought drug dealers over, I would come home to 5 people I didn't know asleep in our living room, she was dating a hobo, dealing drugs to the neighbors, coming home in drunk rages. Having sex very loudly in the next room with her boyfriend.. I tried to have her evicted but I couldn't because it was low income housing and she had equal right to the property.. so I was forced to move out on my own..
That brings us current... I recently lost the love of my life thus far.. she moved away to school, and promptly cheated on me before going. went through a string of crazys after her.. all meaningless .. I haven't felt love in nearly a year now.. its become lonely and dark..the days grow distant, and I dont know if I want to continue.. I've made mistakes and I dont think I deserve any luck to have a good life... I've taken way to long in college and am barely passing.. I have a dead-end job that I hate.. and no parents.. or anyone that will come and hug me and tell me that it will be okay, and that I can do it.. I feel like I'm a strong but weak person.. If you needed me, I would be the strongest person, but for myself I'm weak.. I just want to be loved you know? to be valued and admired, to mean something to someone so and not just tossed aside..but alas I don't deserve that... I fatasize about suicide on a daily basis.. it's literally pleasing to me to be ride of the constant torment that my life has.. the only reason that stopped me from following through with it was that my brother will need me eventually.. and a few other people who don't deserve to be sad.. but sometimes I wish I could just die without any strings just be free and painless..because I'm only growing older and all the potential for fun and exciting memories, true love, and things lifes about is fading away.. I dont have the motivation or will to make these happen..